I am starting to hyperventilate and I’m not wearing a stretchy fabric!

Trust me, you want to laugh at my Friday.

The "black Friday of October" is what I am calling it.  A Friday that will go down in infamy as a completely miserable day of disgusting and rude Karma.  Now Brenn and I have firmly established that Karma is indeed a bad word that starts with "B" and rhymes with witch.  Karma was the fat girl in school who grew up to rule the universe in consequences, and sometimes she takes out her anger of high school outcasted-ness on those of us just trying to make it to the weekend.

So I wake up and Karma is not on my side.  I yawn and crack the side of my lip open causing extreme pain.  Then I bite into an apple and the roof of my mouth has been magically cut, so, um ouch!  Then I check my email and hey, my professor wrote me back about my thesis statement I sent in yesterday.  Oh, it says he doesn't like it, rewrite it and clarify also come see him before class to discuss it further.  Ugh so I take out my massive Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism, wipe away angry tears* and try to write a clear thesis about Aristotle's view on tragedy as representation of humanity and why we enjoy tragedy.
*Dramatization, did not actually occur

I type it out and email it to myself so I can go print it off downstairs in the computer lab. Walk downstairs and the computer lab is closed!  It's never closed.  Something was wrong with today.  So I wait at the shuttle stop and oh my lanta, it took 10 minutes and I was going to be late meeting my professor if I did not get a move on.  So I decide to walk instead, guaranteeing an extra 10 minutes but I can't wait any longer for the shuttle.  I can print my thesis out at the computer lab in the library, next to the professors office but I will still be late.  I am never late for almost anything!  Today was kind of messed up.

As I'm walking down the path I decide, hey I can just write out my thesis as I'm walking to his office.  So I rummage through my bag for a pen.  And curse words galore came out of my filthy mouth when I realized I had no pen or pencil.  I always have a pen or pencil.  Which means I do, in fact need to go to the computer lab and there was zero chance of making it on-time to see my professor, I would just have to see him after class.  So I click "print" on the computer when I finally get that thesis out, text a friend whom is in a near-by class for a pencil and walk to the printer to get my single sheet of paper.
The top line is cut-off.
I have to go back, log back on to the computer, re-find my email, re-copy and paste it, re press print and make sure it's down the page.  Also my mouth was filthy again, muttering terrible, shameful words.  Finally it is printed, of course finding the friend who was giving me a pencil was a scavenger hunt, and get to class huffing and puffing.

I write out a page of notes, look over my thesis that I was going to give to the professor.  It was the wrong thesis.  I had emailed myself the wrong thesis.  Very dramatically I crumpled up my paper and threw it in my bag, then wrote out the thesis that made minimal sense out on regular paper.  After class the professor and I walk to his office and he is asking me about Aristotle and what he meant and how catharsis works and that "tragic flaw" is not a correct term.  I keep thinking to myself  "Wow, what is the female equivalent of emasculation, cause that is what is happening right now."  I lost all dignity on that walk of shame to his office.  I had no idea what Aristotle was trying to say.  I thought I did, my professor told me to read in between the lines.  It was hard enough reading the lines!  I walked away feeling femasculated.

So it's 12 'o clock and my day has been terrible.  It was like a Monday, but it was Friday, I should have been excited.  I just wanted to lock myself up in my room.  A few hours later, I decided to suck it up and head to Target, retail therapy always made me feel better.  So I drive extremely carefully because today would be the one day I get in an accident.  Whew, I get to Target with no scratches and find my stuff fairly easily and put my basketful of goodies on the checkout belt.  It's all loaded and I look through my bag and LAUGH.  Because guess what people?  No wallet.

The check-out girl (who has an auburn afro and is twilight pale)  tells me, no problem she's just gonna keep the receipt and come back to her when I get my wallet.  Target is over 15 minutes away from my apartment.  Well, what the heck, I don't have anything to do for the next few hours anyways.  I drive home and right before I get to my street, realize rush hour traffic is beginning.  I give up on today.

I didn't go back to Target, I made myself a salad and decided to watch Grey's Anatomy season 2.  I had a surprise in my salad though.  Almost put it in my mouth:

It was like a freakin lady bug.  I mean I never get skirmish with bugs, but it would have crunched!  I like Lion King and it's cute when they eat grub, but this was crossing the line!

Sigh.

If life gives you melons you're probably dyslexic

I'm totally snapping at the bit people.

What am I supposed to do when my roommate has an adorable guy over and they are hanging out in the living room?  Do I supervise?  No, that's too hindering for her romantic life.  MMM I'm considering just being quiet and pretending I'm asleep and if she makes any protests I will charge out of the room and punch him straight in the face and then drag his nasty body out of my room.  Nooo fine I will let her get some.  Wait is that... yes, yes indeed, my tiny blonde baby roommate is getting some.  Sorry I'm creepin but this walls are thin and unless I make a special effort to put on my ipod I can't exactly ignore the situation!  Oh they are giggling, it's going well.  (Side note: getting some just means so smooching, necking, kissing, pecking.  Nothing over PG rated I promise, thats why they are doing it in the living room. I assume.)

Anyhoo, this week has been weird.  Like weird enough that I started saying "anyhoo" when I was feeling awkward around other people which has been frequent.  Just random people suddenly being very open to me when I wasn't expecting it.  And it's not like I'm a fountain of knowledge, as you would well know if you read this blog.  So I just sit there and listen to problems and spit out something like  "geez louise" and "shut the front door!" if I'm surprised.  Then I digest and say "anyhoo" and talk about how I need to shave my legs but just don't.  Like I said, weird vibe of the week.

Anyhoo.  I wrote what I like to think is my best piece of writing in my entire life so far (I mean I wrote some really great stories and plays when I was younger*) for those of you interesting in Gossip Girl. 

http://www.gossip-girl-episodes.com/  Just look at the author for each article and if you see Kelsea you know you are in for a treat.

*This is false.  All my writing attempts to date have been just beyond pathetic and embarrassing.  Just a disclaimer for myself. 

No more giggling out in the living room.  FINEEE I will put in my headphones now.  Geez louise. 

To be honest, I'm just trying to look busy until that new Muppet movie comes out.

Does it feel like I spend a lot of time being in Berkeley and not so much in Utah?  That's how I feel.  I think I kind of repress the idea of being in Salt Lake City and instead go to California to hang out with siblings and sister-in-laws and schewenkes.  So why don't I transfer there??!  Answer:  That would be too much work.  And also it would take the fun out of my fun trips to Berkeley.

Since I spent my whole summer with my brothers in Berkeley it always kinda feels like I'm going home when I go see them.  Brenn forces me to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians and the next thing I know I am genuinely upset about Kim wanting to change her name and not telling Kris about it. Rude.  And everyone is fighting about the Apples to Apples game where Brenn reads my mind so we pick each other’s on accident but Kaulin and Brian pick each other's on purpose. Cheaters.  And we lose the Cal vs. USC game.  Lame.  And we go to a pumpkin patch but can't play on the jumpy moon bounce thing (I should look up the proper name but I won't.  Dignity and stuff).

So it's not like it was an amazing time.  We didn't do anything ground breaking, or party so hard I lost a shoe.  But there were bits and pieces that put together made for a fun family reunion time:

-Kardashian wedding.  Big hit for the household.

- Brenn has a dog named Wilbur and everyone except Brenn communally hates him.  Fortunately he doesn't understand when Kaulin, Kameron and I call him stupid and ugly, so we are all still friends.  Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

- Kaulin and Brenn singing "Glamorous" by Fergie.  Brenn gets upset because Kaulin won't let her sing the chorus.  It's truly adorable and frustrating. 

- They kiss, A LOT. Gross.

-Kam is still under the impression that he can use big words out of context and nobody notices.  I notice. 
-He and Brian sure do have a lot of PDA.  And a really, really messy room. Ahhh, way to not break the stereotype of gross college roommates.

-Walk out of the movie 50/50, eyes are puffy from crying.  Brian "Wow, you look ugly when you cry".  He says he was joking but the way he delivered it...  felt personal.

- Kaulin actually gets really upset with me when I don't win Mario Kart playing by myself.  I do too, just not as much as he does.  But I usually win.

- Walking down the street in San Fran after the football game and everyone is wasted outside the bars as we walk past.   Nick "I mean what else is gonna sell better then liquor after a football game? ... Women?" Yes. Valid point.  Good business plan

- Brenn has a thing for baby goats and baby pigs.  There was a petting zoo at the pumpkin patch and she was playing with the baby pig so much the little kids would look at her and walk towards the pig then walk away.  We all have our weakness though don't we.

- Quoting Parks and Rec and the Honeybadger like we get paid each time we do.  "Thanks stupid"... "Treat yo self!"

Aww cute... Wait is that the dog being squashed by Brian?!? Yes.

Lovin

"The moral of Snow White is never eat apples."

I know right?

I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.


Don't fret I have something to cheer you up now:

You really have to watch the rest of her skits on SNL though. Golden. Fantastic.  Cream of the crop. ( I am not exaggerating, these words are just popping into my head as I watch the video.  Sometimes my brain seconds as a thesaurus to make up for lacking in math skills.)  Stupendous. Peer-less.

 Legen.... wait for it.... dary!* 

But Melissa McCarthy was stealin my heart and makin me laugh long before SNL ... on my tippy top favorite show (and I retract my previous claim that 30 Rock is my favorite because I apparently had amnesia when I wrote that and forgot that Gilmore Girls is the only show I could watch over and over and over and over and over without getting sick of it.  And I can prove it because I do it almost every single day.)


*I give you mad props if you caught that reference.