Swearing (not that kind (but a little bit of that kind))

Once upon a time
(sighs)
I swore a lot of things to myself.
I swore I would never cut my hair past my shoulders ever again. BUT THEN Scarlett Johansen walked around with the most perfectly coiffed bob of all time and I went into my bathroom and chopped 6 inches off.
I swore I'd practice Just Dance and get sooo good at dancing and win all the time. That one definitely lost the fastest of all swears.
I swore at one point that I'd stop swearing (that kind) which is pretty laughable.
I swore that I was done with Selena Gomez karaoke.  I'm not. Not even close.
I swore I would be the most supportive sister-in-law when the time for a new nino came.  I wasn't. I was, because as a girl fertilized eggs are actually heart-melting, but OH MAN WAS I MAD AT HER for not even giving me a warning, just getting pregnant I wasn't even ready for this responsibility of being a supportive person!

I swore, up and down, inside out and right side in.  In a box, with a fox in a train in the rain.  I swore like the dude in Green Eggs and Ham to Sam I am that I would never, ever, not even once, ever, for a million dollars, ever, even once think about, ever, moving to the place called Provo.

Currently residing in 602 E 600 N.

It's Scar-Jo all over again.

I wish I could give a real genuine, strong response to the accusations of being unloyal (inloyal) to myself.  But much like the time I swore I would forever hate Rocky Road ice cream (because ugh, almonds?), I got over my fears of hating something forever and now I'm in Provo and I eat Rocky Road and it's delicious.

And you know what?
Other than the fact that driving here is like Grand Theft Auto for some reason, (honestly would it kill the city to put in more than 3 green arrow lights total?) and parking is just like, Black Ops, and sometimes, after a three hour class I don't feel like waiting for a pedestrian to walk at the same pace Severes Snape speaks, so I honk to speed the process up.  I'm the one in the giant metal vehicle but somehow they are fearless to the point of NOT EVEN WAVING to say "hey, thanks for not running me over just now.  Classy move, you're a classy broad."

See how I was ready to  wrap up but the driving situation warranted a tangent....

The point is, I like it here in spite of all it's Provo-ness.

well the nyquil was to put myself to sleep and the 3 benadryl were cuz my nose looked swollen

At first I was like SUMMERTIME!

but then I was like threefreakingclassesandnobodyisaroundtoplaywithandIhavetomakemyselfdinnereverynightstillandihatethisstupidsummerschoolthingy

Dinner. It's my least favorite thing ever.  Because no matter what, I have to make myself either get up and go find food, or I have to actually make myself food and heavens why was the love for cooking not  put in my genetic code whilst being created in my mother's womb?  I hate it.  I hate trying to figure out if I can put feta cheese in my garlic rice-a-roni (I can't, it's so bad please don't try it you'll totally throw up because I almost did and I have a stomach of steel just kidding) It's really terrible.

And then I get my nightly or mostly nightly call, from my sister-in-law and we discuss life and the awesomeness of Amy Poehler... and she's like "Oh yah just making homemade hamburgers and french fries for dinner" and I want to be with her even more than I already do.  Because she's got that I Love Cooking gene.  So I could help out with dinner, I'm a great helper.  I should just be one of Santa's elfs because I love helping.  BUT I HATE MAKING MY OWN FOOD.

So on a daily basis we end up with a plain spinach salad dosed in dressing for breakfast, popcorn for lunch and probably chips and salsa for dinner.  Even then I stare at the fridge with complete repulsion.  I don't like what you have inside of you fridge.  I wish you had a fully prepared thai meal sitting in there.  But you don't, you have spinach and apples and salad dressing.  And for that reason I hate you.

Me, in a chef's outfit

I say tomato, you say stupid things

The things David Polk says to me sometimes are too funny NOT to write down.  So rather than remembering them mid-conversation with a random person, I will post it here for your entertainment.

The first time I realized that David struggles to find the correct word in context was when we were watching Winter's Bone.  It's a fascinating story of a girl who can't find her no-good father but needs to support her younger siblings and ailed mother.  It's set in this mountain terrain and it's gritty but the biggest (and only) misgivings I had on it was the obvious male dominated society of this rural area.  The first 20 minutes were unflinchingly cruel to the women of the town.  Some were hit, many were dismissed out of the men's sight when they had something important to say.  The men were controlling their wives, girlfriends, daughters etc.  Fear not, in the end some of those women stepped up but it was painful to watch for a bit.

Anyways, the funny part happens after I protest to a man hitting his wife across the face.  I loudly called him a rude name.  Because commentary on movies is one of my favorite cinematic past times.  David looks at me funny and after a few moments of silence says "You're really a womanizer.  I never knew that."

The fact that I am a womanizer is irrelevant.  It was totally out of context.  

"Why did you just call me a womanizer?"

Pause

"Wait. No sorry, I meant man-eater"

"Excuse me?  I am the farthest thing from a man-eater!"

As you can imagine, the movie fell by the wayside and David struggles to correct his grammar.  

"NO, no sorry you're not a man eater, I can't remember what the word is."

"Well where is man-eater even coming from??"

"No, I mean like, you're upset by the movie because they keep hitting girls"

"A feminist?  You really don't know the word for feminist?"

"Yah FEMINIST!  Sorry, I know what it is, I just forgot the right word"

It happens a lot to us.

Like the time we were driving and he out of nowhere looks at me with complete admiration and calls me "heartless".  Whoa, what?

"Yah, like you don't care what anyone thinks about you.  I know so many girls that obsess over how they look and you just don't care.  But in a good way."

I'm laughing too hard to respond

"Heartless isn't the right word is it?"

See the thing is, in both situations, I would have been really upset by the rude things he was calling me.  But trust me when I say, he isn't trying to be rude.  The guy literally cannot grasp the right words sometimes.  And it's hilarious.

The other day we got sushi and I couldn't read the T.V screen because I'm nearsighted and didn't have glasses or contacts in.  He called me "illiterate".  Which was actually very clever if he had actually meant to say that word.  Alas, he was trying to say something about my near sighted-ness.  

How can I not just laugh at him?  In a good way?  What is that called?

Last week I was dead asleep and my phone goes off with a text message from David.  I was so disoriented that I thought it was my alarm.  THIS IS NOT A JOKE.  I got up out of bed and started changing then grabbed my phone to check what time it was.  

12:35

I have 6 more hours until I need to get ready.

Geez

This is my text to him the next day:

This was his response:

OH and one time he told me he liked my high heels... But he wasn't impressed that I was walking around in them because Beyonce wears high heels and dances around in them.  

Never good enough apparently.

I'm Shipping Up to Boston

The first step is admitting to Houston that you have a problem

I need a "Whatever just leave me alone" sign. Until I find one, I'll just have to use my face.

You don't know what you have until it's gone.  That's how I'm feeling right now.  About my sister-in-law, my friend Karamea, the soda that I gave up to be healthy and such, my ability to do math in my head, David's phone that he lost so now I can't call or text him about coming over for ice cream whenever I want, my mom, my baby siblings who haven't been babies for a few years now, my perfectly red shade nail polish that hasn't been seen in weeks, and the mints that I keep next to my bed that I finished eating last night.  All gone.  Or lost, or just not around me right now.

I went to the DMV twice this week.  Actually 3 times.  The first time, it took me an hour to find the actual building, then of course, it was closed.  Hello Karma, we meet again.

Then I went the next day, to another DMV, and it really wasn't too bad.  Except the lady was really rude and made frowny eyebrows at me.  Which I took with a grain of salt since frowny eyebrows are one of my specialties anyways.  We were sort of soul sisters, in the sense that we understood that neither of us wanted to be here, talking to each other and making frowny eyebrows at each other.  Alas, we completed the task of registering my car to Utah.  I got the license plates with arches in the background.  Highlight of my day.

Then I went to the dentist and finished my root canal.  UGH!  Root canal, more like Pollute Morale.  But now I have what I call a "Zombie Tooth" in my mouth, and it's not so bad, trying to get comfortable and settled.  

Speaking of settling, how is Ann?

I went to my baby neice's first birthday party in Orem, my tongan family threw it, so of course it was epic, there was a bouncy house inside the church building.  And so MUCH CANDY. 

 

Raise of hands who approve this as a great wedding centerpiece idea?

 Baby Victoria!  Look at this kid.  SO CHUBBY! SO CUTE! SO STYLISH!

I'm off to make some recipes from Pinterest.  Because I have been making the same foods for months now.  Chicken salad, wheat pasta with Prego, canned soup, candy, and nachos.  Figured I should mix it up a little bit.  I promise you guys will never find a recipe on this blog.  Unless it's a recipe for disaster.  Boom

Don't trust a bro

Don't touch my hair.  I will cut you.

So Karamea

We talk almost everyday

Via texting and facebook

We have been discussing which men sound most like Liam Neeson if he was to sing.  

You know what? Never mind, I'll just take some of the gems we discuss and post a few on here now:

• ps, i met an rm who said his goal this semester is to not date or kiss a girl.
• WHAT A WEIRDO RIGHT?
  
  
  • [this guy's] top 3 criteria is 3 Fs: feet, face, and faith.
  • yikesssss. a bit concerned that feet are a priority
    
    
    i also stayed up until 10pm watching the muppets of oz instead of doing homework. my life is so glamorous!!! (and yes, i used fergie's song to help me spell that).
    • 
      
    • • • • My friend's status: Satan can just go to Hell. Oh wait...
        • 
          
        • 
          

          • WHAT THE SWEAR WORD? are you serious?!
            
            
             she said she was too bad of a girl for him, he didn't deserve her. which is totally my line.
            
            

• • Kelsea: hahaha oh my gosh, you need an ad around byuh with the picture of a jacket and a caption "PLEASE take me on a date, i will get $10 and then I can buy this jacket!" I bet people in provo do that stuff all the time
• 
  

  • Kara: HAHAHAH
  • oh my heck. that just might do it.
• 
  

  • Kelsea: some cool guy will think you're so clever. and then he will end up being charming and you'll marry him and keep the ad as a memory in your journal
• 
  

  • Kara: hahah you put too much confidence in me.
  • but wouldnt that be amazing?
  • like nicholas sparks-amazing?
    
    
    
    
    and a personal favorite: "Some SCUMBAG posted the ending to this week's Glee episode on facebook already"
    
    Who even say's scumbag anymore?  It's so fabulous
    
    
    
    
    
    And she sends me video's like this all day:
    
    
    Warning: It's super creepy, do not watch if you are prone to nightmares about stalking cats.  Like Moi
    
    

    
    

pouting, sulking, sighing, mumbling, rolling my eyes... its how i detox